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Jan

26

Strapless Dress Experiment

Strapless lace print satin dress

Strapless lace print satin dress from Forever21

I don’t wear a ton of strapless stuff. This is mostly because finding a strapless bra that doesn’t make my boobs look horrendous has always been a challenge. I saw the above dress from Forever21+ last night, and for some reason immediately wanted to wear it over a white shirt and silver tie — which solves the strapless bra conundrum, and allows me to have spectacular looking breasts. So now I’m thinking I may have to buy it so I can make this outfit happen:

Outfit: strapless dress with shirt and tie

Yes, it's monochrome, but there's a time and place for that kind of thing.

Well, not exactly those items, because sans the dress I already own some version of the rest of the pieces. But that’s a close approximation. I wish I could have found a picture of the Kurt Geiger Carvela shoes I’d want to wear with these,  but the interwebz were showing me no love on that front — they’re a high-heeled black patent platform pump with a sort of winged wrap near the ankle that’s secured with a thick black ribbon.

The more I think about it, the more I think this may be an experiment worth trying.

 

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Jan

24

Your Nipples Are Blinding Me

Athena of the Golden Nipples

Athena of the Cockeyed Golden Nipples

Dear Igigi,

Surely there was a better picture than this to show off your wares. Because the point, you see, is to show off your wares, not your model’s wares. After all, you’re not asking me to plunk down $150 for her nipples…because that would be illegal.

Also, not only have you chosen a picture in which it’s nearly impossible not to stare at The Golden Nipples — talk about having the high beams on — but you’ve also managed to choose one that makes for Cockeyed Golden Nipples. I’m sure your model doesn’t want to be known as the Girl with the Carnie-Eyed Tits. But now, that’s what she is. Good job, guys.

Love,
the Wearapist

 

Note: If for some reason you would really love to risk the Curse of the Shiny Nipple, you can make this floor-length green and gold monstrosity your own. And you can do it at an additional 20% off by using coupon code “RESORT2012”.  Please, don’t send me pictures.

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Jan

10

Puffy Vests…Fashion Tragedy

Unless you’re on some sort of expedition (“urban expeditions” don’t count…that’s just assing around in the city, a.k.a. living your life), there is no excuse for a puffy vest. In fact, something to keep in mind is that unless you are fairly tiny, a puffy vest will do nothing but make you look like a fluffy blob.

Plus Size Puffy Vest

Congrats! You look like a puffy lumberjack. You're just missing the faceweasel.

I’m going to guess that the woman in the picture above probably has a pretty nice shape. She is a model, after all. Unfortunately, you would never know that because she’s managed to turn her torso into a rectangle — a puffy plaid rectangle. Is there anything flattering about that? (And this is coming from the girl that loves plaid.)

Plus Size puffy white jacket

I'll refrain from the obvious Stay Puft Marshmallow joke.

Now I’m going to go one step further and make a blanket statement that puffy clothes in general are a bad idea. I’ll excuse it if you live in Minnesota (or the like)…because it can get as cold as a witch’s titty there and the down filling probably comes in handy. (But I still won’t excuse the puffy vests there…because if it’s cold enough that you need that kind of warmth, you shouldn’t skip the arms.)

And here’s a pro tip for the plus-sized: Unless you have an hourglass shape, even closer fitting vests aren’t your friend. Adding any kind of bulk to thick-waisted or apple shapes is generally bad news.

By the way, I’ve started a couple of boards at Pinterest: Wear This, and Don’t Wear That. Check them out! (And yes, my first pins were about the hideous vest issue.)

 

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