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Jan

26

Strapless Dress Experiment

Strapless lace print satin dress

Strapless lace print satin dress from Forever21

I don’t wear a ton of strapless stuff. This is mostly because finding a strapless bra that doesn’t make my boobs look horrendous has always been a challenge. I saw the above dress from Forever21+ last night, and for some reason immediately wanted to wear it over a white shirt and silver tie — which solves the strapless bra conundrum, and allows me to have spectacular looking breasts. So now I’m thinking I may have to buy it so I can make this outfit happen:

Outfit: strapless dress with shirt and tie

Yes, it's monochrome, but there's a time and place for that kind of thing.

Well, not exactly those items, because sans the dress I already own some version of the rest of the pieces. But that’s a close approximation. I wish I could have found a picture of the Kurt Geiger Carvela shoes I’d want to wear with these,  but the interwebz were showing me no love on that front — they’re a high-heeled black patent platform pump with a sort of winged wrap near the ankle that’s secured with a thick black ribbon.

The more I think about it, the more I think this may be an experiment worth trying.

 

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Jan

24

Your Nipples Are Blinding Me

Athena of the Golden Nipples

Athena of the Cockeyed Golden Nipples

Dear Igigi,

Surely there was a better picture than this to show off your wares. Because the point, you see, is to show off your wares, not your model’s wares. After all, you’re not asking me to plunk down $150 for her nipples…because that would be illegal.

Also, not only have you chosen a picture in which it’s nearly impossible not to stare at The Golden Nipples — talk about having the high beams on — but you’ve also managed to choose one that makes for Cockeyed Golden Nipples. I’m sure your model doesn’t want to be known as the Girl with the Carnie-Eyed Tits. But now, that’s what she is. Good job, guys.

Love,
the Wearapist

 

Note: If for some reason you would really love to risk the Curse of the Shiny Nipple, you can make this floor-length green and gold monstrosity your own. And you can do it at an additional 20% off by using coupon code “RESORT2012”.  Please, don’t send me pictures.

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Jan

22

The Right Tool for the Job

Pretty hangers all in a row.

Pretty hangers all in a row.

 

Happy anniversary of Roe v Wade, y’all! To celebrate, I’m writing about hangers. Because I’m classy and tasteful like that.

I’m all about using the right tool for the job. And here’s the thing: hangers are important. Choosing the right hanger can help extend the life of your clothing. You spend money on your wardrobe, and money is valuable, so it makes sense to protect your investment.

So, let’s look at some types of hangers:

  • Tubular hangers – These are the plastic hangers that make up the bulk of what’s hanging in most people’s closets. Try not to go too cheap and flimsy here, you need something that will support your clothing. They’re great for things like t-shirts, polos, dress shirts and blouses. If they have little indentations or hooks along the tops, they can also be good for tanks and light summer dresses.
  • Wooden hangers – Sometimes called suit hangers. These are more heavy duty, and can take on heavier items like jackets, coats, robes, and heavier dresses. Since they’re usually slightly curved or contoured, they really help your clothing hold onto their shape.
  • Padded hangers – These are good for lingerie, evening wear, and delicate knits. Generally covered in linen or satin, they help keep your delicate items free of snags.
  • Clamp hangers – Use these for skirts and pants to keep away weird creases and wrinkles. But please, please, please remember to hang your items from the waist or the cuffs, or those crease-fighting efforts will be all for naught.
  • Metal or wire hangers – Even if you never by them, these kinds of hangers always find their way into your house. They’re affordable and functional, and can be quite the space-saving helper. But, only use them for lightweight items, or you’ll be watching them droop before they dump your clothes on the floor.

A few guidelines to help you choose the right hanger for taking care of your lovelies:

  • Use multi-tiered hangers to help save space in a crowded closet.
  • Sweaters should be folded to help them keep their shape. It’s very easy for the shoulders and neckline to become stretched and misshapen, and those weird shoulder puckers can hang out all day…which is just not pretty. If you just don’t have the room to store them folded–go for an underbed storage box if you need to–try to stick to padded hangers to minimize damage.
  • If you have a lot of black clothing, hanging them inside-out can help minimize the amount of lint they pick up between wearings.
  • Ties and belts deserve their own storage solutions. You can buy special hangers and racks for just this purpose. And you should.

Now, go take a hanger inventory and be happy that you only have to use them for hanging up your clothes. Or occasionally breaking into your car.

 

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Jan

21

Downton Abbey Style

I’ve been watching Downton Abbey on Netflix. Naturally, I’m admiring the fashion very much…maybe because I want a valet to present my cufflinks to me when I dress. The women’s styles would look horrible on me, but that doesn’t mean you should be deprived.

Here’s a roundup of what some other people are saying:

 

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Jan

15

Small Bags…for Boys

While eating breakfast this morning, I was paging through slideshows from Milan Men’s Fashion Week. In the Valentino collection, the array of clutches for men jumped out at me.

Valentino Fall 2012 Menswear Clutch

The gloves and clutch combo here is sleek and intriguing.

Not every guy can get away with carrying a clutch, but for those who can…I wholeheartedly approve.

About an hour later, I saw this post on the NYT On the Runway blog about the small bags being shown by Jil Sander. My favorite part was the answer to the question, “What would a businessman carry in a lunch bag?”

…maybe we are not supposed to know… It could be sexual, or he could be a killer or something, like ‘American Psycho,’ or all about control.

Jil Sander Fall 2012 Menswear lunch bag

I might need to go buy a new pair of leather gloves.

Now I’m going to go think about what Patrick Bateman would carry around in a lunch bag. At the moment, I’m thinking it’s a couple of knives and an apple.

 

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Jan

14

Porno Shoes

Sergio Ross nude peep toe pumps

There are hot shoes, and there are pornographic shoes.

Some shoes say, “Fuck me.” These Sergio Rossi platform peep toes say, “Fuck my shoes.”

Depending on the company you keep, and the kinds of dates you go on, this may or may not be the message you want your shoes sending. 😉

 

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Jan

13

Let’s Hear It For the Boy

Sorry for the brief foray back to some of the more tragic music of the 80s, but…

The Wearapist is on the road, and hence not making so much with the posting. So, since I’m not writing much, I invite you to read something from the New York Times about dude fashion bloggers. Enjoy!

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Jan
11

Bloglovin’

Follow this blog with Bloglovin

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Jan

10

Puffy Vests…Fashion Tragedy

Unless you’re on some sort of expedition (“urban expeditions” don’t count…that’s just assing around in the city, a.k.a. living your life), there is no excuse for a puffy vest. In fact, something to keep in mind is that unless you are fairly tiny, a puffy vest will do nothing but make you look like a fluffy blob.

Plus Size Puffy Vest

Congrats! You look like a puffy lumberjack. You're just missing the faceweasel.

I’m going to guess that the woman in the picture above probably has a pretty nice shape. She is a model, after all. Unfortunately, you would never know that because she’s managed to turn her torso into a rectangle — a puffy plaid rectangle. Is there anything flattering about that? (And this is coming from the girl that loves plaid.)

Plus Size puffy white jacket

I'll refrain from the obvious Stay Puft Marshmallow joke.

Now I’m going to go one step further and make a blanket statement that puffy clothes in general are a bad idea. I’ll excuse it if you live in Minnesota (or the like)…because it can get as cold as a witch’s titty there and the down filling probably comes in handy. (But I still won’t excuse the puffy vests there…because if it’s cold enough that you need that kind of warmth, you shouldn’t skip the arms.)

And here’s a pro tip for the plus-sized: Unless you have an hourglass shape, even closer fitting vests aren’t your friend. Adding any kind of bulk to thick-waisted or apple shapes is generally bad news.

By the way, I’ve started a couple of boards at Pinterest: Wear This, and Don’t Wear That. Check them out! (And yes, my first pins were about the hideous vest issue.)

 

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Jan

09

Just Say No to Boob Ruffles

This dress, while cheap, is not cute. It is especially not cute if you are large of boob.

Big girl in a big green dress with big green ruffles on her tits

It's kind of like wilted lettuce falling off of her tits, no?

High on the list of things the well-endowed should avoid are rows of ruffles cascading off of one’s boobs. It’s not a good look. Seriously.

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